Captain Usopp's EverReliable Advice
by J.D Williams
Summary: Your ever reliable advice column. Ask Captain Usopp and friends anything! Well, almost anything.
1. A Note from Captain Usopp the Amazing

Oi! Brave Captain Usopp here. Me and my faithful crew of 10,000 men just finished fighting a nail-biting blood bath of a battle with some badly misinformed pirate conspirators. Heheheh, they didn't stand a chance what with my amazing marksmen-like skills. You had to be there, I swear!

Well now, back to my official obligation. I have decided to grace you people that have fallen upon my glorious presence with my most coveted advice. Exciting, isn't it? Don't worry, you'll be alright, don't wet yourselves! Anyways, what I am trying to get at is that at the price of well, NOTHING, (except maybe your time and sanity) you may partake of the advice of the best, the valiant: Captain Usopp!! One by one, you readers may dispose of your burning questions/ problems upon my presence. I will not judge you, I swear! So without further ado, enjoy my amazing advice column.

The Brave Amazing Captain Usopp

Ps: If you really want to, I can get my faithful crew to answer some of your questions as well. Although, I don't think Luffy will be of much help. Oh well, stranger things have happened. Up first is your's truly: ME!


	2. Usopp answers conerns 1

I have just been informed by the powers that be, that I and my devoted pirate crew of 10,000 men are all owned by this man called, Eiichiro Oda. This perceives me as strange, seeing as I, the brave Captain Usopp, have never met this man in my short but thriving life. Oh well, I promised before to answer questions and give advice so here I am. Enjoy my advice, my loyal followers and don't take it for granted!

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_Dear Captain Usopp,_

_I think your nose is amazing. I've tried pulling and pulling on mine to achieve that look that you have so perfected, but it didn't quite work out. Oh well, I have a problem. See, I am a generally shy person and I never speak up first unless spoken to. As a result, I don't have many friends or anything. I try not to be so shy, but it just doesn't work. I'm constantly worried about what other people think of me. Please help? I would like to be more assertive._

_Sincerely, _

_Shy Suzy_

Dear Shy Suzy,

Thank you very much! My nose is amazing, isn't it? I'm afraid though, that you may not be able to mimic my nose shape because it has been like that since birth. I am flattered however, at your longing. You claim to be shy, am I right? That's really not so hard to correct with my easy 3 STEP PROGRAM TO FRIENDSHIP!! I am sure that if you follow the three steps I have listed below, you will suddenly be surrounded by more welcoming friends than you can handle!! The 3 step program is a follows:

Visit your local costume shop.

Purchase ridiculous clown-like red nose ( Much like Buggy the Clown)

Stand in busy hallway, potential friends will casually approach. Enjoy!!

Though it is self-explanatory, I will explain why the Buggy- like clown nose will attract potential friends. The nose is ridiculous, right? Ugly even? See, when people notice your new nose they will immediately have the burning need to ask questions and inquire about yourself. The nose is basically a conversation starter, much like Luffy's straw hat, or Nami's wrinkle cream. Oops, I didn't say that. Well Suzy, I hope this works, and if not you can always wear a sign on your shirt that says "Talk to me."

Good luck,

Captain Usopp

_Salutations Captain Usopp,_

_Hello. I heard you were giving advice on certain situations, and I am in desperate need. Last week I was standing in line to catch the three o' clock picture show at my town's local cinema. The line was so long, and I had been waiting for at least 3 hours because it was opening night. There was this burly man behind me waiting as well. I noticed that he had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth but I didn't tell him it was there. He was far to intimidating for me to approach. Anyway, all was well until his girlfriend came back to join him in the line. Even though eavesdropping is wrong I couldn't help myself. Needless to say, the girlfriend told her mate about his teeth predicament and he turned around and took his anger out on me. He says he is going to come to my house and beat me up because I made him look like a fool in front of his girlfriend. I didn't mean to. Oh why me? Help?_

_Signed,_

_Scared out of their mind Steve_

Dear Scared out of their mind Steve,

Ahh. This is an easy one: RUN!!!! And if that doesn't work, it was nice to meet you Steve. Catch ya in the afterlife.

Regards,

Captain Usopp

_Oh Great Captain Usopp, I indeed need to ask you a great favor.  
My boyfriend Ace refuses to answer this essential question in fear of regurgitating his dinner..._

...Where do babies come from??

_KurrydaJellyDonut_

Oi KurrydaJellyDonut!

It appears to me that your boyfriend, Ace, is displaying a certain reluctance when it comes to discussing anatomy and the physiology of the reproductive system. How sad. As an expert on pretty much everything, it is no surprise to many that I harbor an immense knowledge of the human body. Where do babies come from you ask? Since your boyfriend feels to leave you in the dark on such matters, I will inform you with my vast knowledge of the ways of life and the cosmos. Baby seeds called baby pods are planted in the soil during the later parts of springtime. Once planted the baby pods are watered with the essence of dirty diaper and a dilapidated milky substance. Many also take the time to emerge their baby pods in covered sunlight and poisonus yogurt. The yogurt speeds up the seedlings growth and by the following summer months the fully developed baby is ripe for the picking. And that my friend, is where baby comes from. Take this as fact, because I am _not_ a liar.

Take Care,

Captain Usopp


	3. Usopp answers concerns 2

Hello again, aspiring sea chums! I hope all of you are having a Usopptastic filled day so far. Since it is raining outside all over the deck, I've decided to stay inside the cozy interiors of my reliable vessel and answer more of your concerns and burning questions. I hope you find my answers and advice to your liking. I will put my best foot forward to deliver my wisdom to you, my faithful followers!

_I truly need your help. I've been writing my own fanfic, but have only gotten flames from 1 random person. I ask for more flames, but still no cigar(er...lolipop, for the 4kids editing of course). Please, how can I get more flames._

_Muten Azuki_

Hello there Muten Azuki!

More flames huh? You really want people to bash and ridicule your writing that you have worked so egregiously hard on? I say this with the very utmost amount of respect but, you are certainly a strange fellow. No matter, I claimed before that I wouldn't judge! Okay, so sources tell me that you are writing a short piece of literature for something called _Fullmetal Alchemist, _am I right? Well of course I am! Seeing as I, the great pirate Captain Usopp, have gotten into several skirmishes before, I have mastered the act of how some may say, "pissing" people off. As far as flaming goes concerning a successful series, it may be useful to start off with insulting major popular characters. Take this as an example: "Edward Cullen is a pedophile". Stick this small piece of information among your fiction and you will be sure to get the rabid fan girls going! Trust me, I know this from experience. I harbor a talent for writing and receiving bountiful flames myself. Another thing you may want to try is changing a main characters name. Personally, I try this one on Zoro all the time! Just for some reason he really hates being called Roronoa Zolo. God only knows why, I guess. Usually after changing a main characters name in your story, you will get the diehard fans in an up rage. Try it out! It's rather enjoyable!!

Enjoy your flames,

Captain Usopp

_Dear Captain Ussop:_

I am an writer, writing about the exploits of a character named Blitz, set 20 years after your time. Despite the reviews I'm getting, I feel that my writing is inadequate. I have horrible grammar and spelling issues, too lazy to research and a terrible procrastinator. What I'm asking is; Do you have any tips or advise to over come these negative aspects and improve my writing?

Sincerely

_Nezumimaru,_

_author of Neo One Piece_

Hello Nezumimaru,

Nice to meet your acquaintance! After spending an ample amount of time dwelling on your problem, I have came to a consensus that I feel will benefit you so. You complain of having problems with grammar? That is not as bad as you might think. Even so, I'm here to help. While you are writing your various stories filled with pirate adventures, be sure to click ever so often on this little button thingy called "Spell check". It is small, and I think you will find it quite convenient and to your liking. Everyone knows that the small various colored squigglys underneath your careful thought-out words can be so tiresome and just plain annoying. How dare they bombard your paper with their ugly two colored repetitions! It is just plain unforgivable! If you are not in meters of a little electronic device that is referred to as many a "computer", then by all means use a dictionary. They are quite helpful during the process of writing and editing various fictions. If that doesn't work, then grab a friend. Force them to edit your story! If they rudely refuse, you may have to resort to blackmail, but I didn't say that. I'm not sure if I can give you helpful advice on overcoming laziness and procrastination. Seeing as I, the brave Captain Usopp, have never experienced these blemishes upon my ever gleaming character.

Cheers to you,

Captain Usopp

_Dear Captain Usopp,_

I have three burning questions that really do need to be answered.  
One, which came first, the chicken or the egg?  
Two, did Luffy eat Chopper or did Sanji use him as the reserve food supply already? I haven't seen him in a few days.  
Three, I ave yet to watch the latest episode of One Piece where Kuma sends you all flying but my friends say that you screamed like a girl. I;m hoping this isn't true. What really happened with Kuma at the Shabondy Archipelago?

_Blu-Calling_

Blu- Calling,

Welcome! Great Captain Usopp here! I am honored to answer your burning questions. It is my personal belief that burning questions should be answered after all. Hmmm…the chicken or the egg huh? Well, that's simple. The answer is obviously hidden in this old cowboy proverb: "Don't squat with your spurs on." Isn't the answer clear? I feel it is anyways. Helpful, aren't I? Silly one, Luffy didn't eat Chopper, that surely isn't good for his health, is it? Not like it matters though, Luffy would eat anything, given the opportunity. Whenever you are in doubt, remember this ever handy equation concerning the activity of dining on blue nosed reindeers: Chopper= Reindeer hair+ Luffy= Hairball!! Yelch! Disgusting, and certainly unhealthy. Though, Chopper _has_ disappeared, hasn't he? No worries, I'm sure he is somewhere in the kitchen with Sanji. Cackle, cackle, bwahahahahahahahwoowowowow. Concerning your last question, that is truly impossible. Captain Usopp, screaming in a girly fashion? Preposterous! I am the very epitome of manhood by the way. Do you really want to know what happened? Here it is: SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER...and I did NOT scream like a girl. Take my word, for I am so very honest.

Catch ya later,

Captain Usopp


	4. Usopp answers concerns 3

_Dear Captain Usopp-sama,_

I love your Usopp Wagomu! It's smexy. ^^  
Anyway, I am in desperate need of assistance. Lately, my house seems to have been overrun by... purple ferrets! They're everywhere! I'm stuck in my house hiding under the pillows! What do I do? Do I fight back? Or do I invest in a steel plated mattress? I'm afraid they'll learn how to pick locks soon!

Love, Dandy Wonderous

Oi, Dandy Wonderous,

Why thank you! That lovely comment you just left regarding my Usopp Wagomu has just made my day! That's an achievement on your part because the day has barely begun. Yes, I know, I can be intimidating at times, but the courage you have displayed while seeking my assistance is quite a remarkable feat. Consider yourself congratulated! In regards to your cry for help, don't worry your little head my friend, because I have just invented the product to stop those pesky purple ferrets from ever gracing your humble doorstep again! I am proud to present to you: THE USOPP-O-BLASTO™! Now, before you get too excited, let me describe to you how it functions and its overall breathtaking appearance. The USOPP-O-BLASTO™ is not a product for the faint of heart, and many fools have taken its presence way too lightly. This is a mistake on their part, my friend, because this spectacular machine that my hands have blessed can be quite unforgiving if used in vain. The appearance of my newest weapon is not to be underestimated. Although, it may look like a simple staple gun, it is actually a two in one device. Two-in-one, you ask? Yes, matter of fact it is! Let me explain its functions in this carefully thought-out, brief example.

It is a cold day outside as Captain Usopp –sama ventures along his trusty pirate vessel. He has just awoken, so he is feeling quite alert and ready for anything. This is fact because the amazing Captain Usopp-sama has been blessed by the pirate gods with a ready for anything demeanor. He always wakes up in the morning alert, and well, ready for anything. So, as Captain Usopp-sama surveys the deck he notices something strange. His vessel is quiet, too quiet. Hand on his trusty slingshot; he slowly creeps around to the kitchen where he is dreadfully disturbed by a distinctive racket. And…SURPRISE!! The racket is being caused by his two faithful crewmen, Sanji and Luffy. Much to Captain Usopp's dismay, Luffy has eaten up his crew's food supply for the next month! Since Sanji worships the ground Captain Usopp-sama walks on, he too joins in while Captain Usopp scolds the young foolish child. Captain Usopp- sama mutters his thanks to his reliable chef, Sanji, as Luffy rushes off in tears feeling ever so sorry for eating Captain Usopp's food supply. From there all is well. Captain Usopp takes a drink made especially for him from the kitchen's refrigerator and heads up on the deck once more to watch the choppy sea. It is there on the deck that Captain Usopp- sama hears a blood curdling scream. Hiding and shielding her head from these purple ferrets is his faithful navigator, Nami. Captain Usopp bites his lip and scratches his face as he realizes that a huge purple ferret has just savagely ripped off Nami's hair with its sharp, razor-like teeth. Holding back a laugh at his navigator's newly bald head, Captiain Usopp-sama pulls out his USOPP-O- BLASTO and fires thrice times into the ferret's face. BANG! There goes the ferret's nose. BOOM! There goes the ferret's upper lip. KABOW! The purple ferret falls to the deck, dead and destroyed beyond recognition. After showing a manly display of growling and lip curling, Captain Usopp-sama deposits his USOPP-O-BLASTO™ back into his pocket. Then he walks away all cool and tough-like.

Eh…sorry, maybe I rambled a bit too much. Though, as you can see, the USOPP-O-BLASTO™ is pretty handy when it comes to taking care of purple rabid ferrets. Oh, and for the small price of well, your life savings, you too can own one of the best thought-out inventions in the world. Well, what do you say? Are you willing to pay that small, insignificant price? It is strongly advised, and you definitely wouldn't need a steel plated mattress.

Do the right thing,

Captain Usopp

_Dear "Captain Usopp",_

_You are by far the most ridiculous liar I have ever met. That "true story" that you just described above is the biggest pile of crap I've ever came across. For your reader's sake, I really hope they don't believe the garbage you are feeding them. _

_Get a life and grow up,_

_Nami_

Dear Nami,

Jealousy is not pretty on a lady. That is all!

Not lying,

Captain Usopp


	5. Usopp answers concerns 4

Hello readers! It's that time again. You know, the time when the great Captain Usopp answers more of his faithful reader's questions and resolves their various problems? Yes, I know you're very excited. Or if you tend to lean more towards the personal characteristics of Nami, you are downright furious. Don't fret though sea chums; I understand if you are completely and irrevocably enraged with Captain Usopp. I'm not one for excuses or alibis, as it has been instilled in my personal beliefs since birth to never settle with excuses because it is not the manly way to handle a problem , but here are a few anyways:

The Great Captain Usopp suffered a fatal disease most of this last week and did not get a chance to recover until today.

Zoro was angry at me for some ridiculous reason and just felt the need to break my hand for his own sick enjoyment, so I couldn't possibly get the chance to answer your questions.

More of those pesky purple ferrets decided to wreak havoc on my poor unsuspecting crew again. Of course, being the benevolent Captain Usopp, I had to defend their helpless beings. It's alright though; I forgive them for having to rely too much on their beloved Captain Usopp.

Just because I feel like being kind, I will tell you, my faithful readers this: At least two out of the three possibilities may be right. Or, none of them may be right at all. Crackle, crackle bwahahahahahooooyyyy. Jeez, I crack myself up. Anyways, onto the questions!!

_Dear Ussop...Dear the amazing and glorious Captain Ussop,  
I am in desperate need of profesional help. My toilet is backed up and I don't know what to do! Can you help? What do you think is better, two ply or moist wipes? Also, it appears that I have a stalker or two...or four. Please help!_

_uhhh…woof?_

Oi ! uhhh…woof?

What an interesting name you got there, pal. It's alright though; many individuals might claim that the amazing Captain Usopp has an unusual name himself. Hah, I scoff at them. If they knew anything, they would have gained the knowledge that every expectant mother is waiting in a torturous long line, anticipating for the time when she, herself can name her child Usopp! Yosh! I bet you didn't know that, now did you anonymous reviewer? Ah, no worries if you didn't though. Hmm…it seems Captain Usopp is rambling again. My deepest apologies, I shall now proceed to answer your questions. Your toilet is backed up, you say? Yikes, I can see how that would be a slight problem. Did you trying scaring the foul smelling intruders away from your toilet with a scary mask? It works every time for me. Stumped, are you? I bet you are. It is all well though, trust me. Since you are here, you must already know that the glorious Captain Usopp is extremely gifted in fine arts, especially painting and mask making. One time I happened to construct a breathtakingly beautiful mask of a certain angry female with my bare but gifted hands. As you may have figured out already the mask was made in the image of Nami and it greatly resembled her. You had to be there, I swear on my pirate dreams! The mask bearing Nami's face had her ever popular, frightful expression adorned on its surface. You know the one that just screams: Back-off- or-I-will-chop-you-up-into-a-hundered-pieces-and-give-you-to-Sanji-so-you-can-personally-become-part-of-tonights-dinner? Or how about the one that is equally as frightening and conveys something along the lines of: Did-you-just-rip-up-my-map-you-scum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-you-better-run-cause'-I-will-beat-you-and-make-you-life-a-living-hell? Jeez, that woman. I can't seem to understand how we all have lasted so long with her still encamped on my prized vessel. What I am trying to tell you in my own way is to somehow obtain a mask with a frightful face and use that to take care of your toilet problem. Also just a friendly tip: While you are wearing said mask you may want to let loose with a hearty and manly-like "GRRR, BEGONE YE BECAUSE IT IS WHAT CAPTAIN USOPP ORDERS!!" That should take care of your backed up toilet.

Two-ply or moist wipes? What are those? I am a fearsome pirate, you know? I am not too familiar with your use of toilet hygiene. My greatest apologies especially. Two-ply does sound more favorable though in my honest and humble opinion. I bet you want to know why. Well, it is because in the name "Usopp" there are two "P's" and Two- ply has the word "two" in it, doesn't it? Also, two is just my favorite number. Don't ask why. It is one of the world's greatest mysteries, I promise you. So yeah, Captain Usopp says to choose Two-ply.

You claim to have your own personal stalkers. This must be a blatant lie, because only the great Captain Usopp has numerous stalkers. It's alright though, I understand if you want to follow in the footsteps of your lifetime hero. Do not fret, for I assure you, I will not judge.

Until next time,

Captain Usopp

_Hello Captain Usopp,_

_I think you are pretty amazing. Here is my burning question: Last week on the bus, I was arguing with my best friend about what was cooler: Pirates or Ninjas. Now even though the answer is obviously "Pirates" my best friend swears up and down that ninjas are cooler. How can I beat some sense into her thick head?_

_Thanks in advance,_

_A pirate's life is surely the life for me_

A pirate's life is surely the life for me,

Thank you for recognizing my ever extending levels of amazingness. It is greatly appreciated! As far as your best friend goes, it seems they have badly been misinformed. How unfortunate for them, I suppose. As far as Pirates vs. Ninjas, I believe it is clear who the obvious winner is of course. Pirates, duh! This is the valid reason you can use to prove your answer "Pirates are much better because the beautiful, great, amazing Captain Usopp is a pirate!" I believe that explains it all very clearly, don't you? Another way you may want to back up your statement on why pirates are better is by pointing out that their ninja hero is just some twelve year old punk in an old orange jumpsuit. That sure will get them huh?

Good luck,

Captain Usopp


	6. Usopp answers concerns 5

_To a Capt. Usopp,_

I, Madam Makino G. Harperstock, of the Fushia Village Terrible Knitters Assco., Troup number 593 (and I ask you no make fun of our name becase 'Terrible' is in fact a compliment), may or may not have heard some knitting circle gossip that may or may not have anything to do with the well beings and goings on of a certain pirate, ahem, Capt. Usopp. Now, this information had been disclosed and squabbled over heftily, and I daresay that I write to you in hopes of clearing up the, a, details.

There have been the nastiest rumors floating about the East Blue and I, personally, cannot handle such allegations against your choice of women.

Yes, my dearest Captain. They say you have wooed said strumpet, dallied in the butter, and even promised land to a fair courtisan.

All of the ladies here in the Fushia Village Terrible Knitters Assco., Troup number 593 are all in a rightous state of outrage!

Please, from the bottom of my adoration for your strength, skill and over all apeasing manliness, answer my (as well as the other ladies of the Fushia Village Terrible Knitters Assco.) daunting quesion!

Have you or have you not had personal and intimate relations with the Ghost Princess of the Floian Tiangle, Lady Peronia?! Please, bestow unto me that your magnitide of man-ditude is unspoiled and ridden of any female attachment! (We, of the Fushia Village Terrible Knitters Assco. kep our hopes up that you'l visit one day and request a bride certainly more fair than any harlot one migh pick up on the treacherous Grand Line.)

With unsurpassed love and admiration of thee,

Makino G. Harperstock, President of the Fushia Village Knitters Assco.

Dearest Makino G. Harperstock, President of the Fushia Village Knitters Assco.,

I am well pleased that your humble circle of close friends has taken such an interest in my well-being and exciting life. From your well, thought-out question I can tell easily that you and your group of fine lady friends harbor an appreciation for the finer things in life, such as yours truly, the great Captain Usopp! So that brings me to this conclusion for your burning question that you hold deep in your heart. Ms. Makino, I, Captain Usopp, do not have any romantic interest in anyone at the moment. I am sure that this news will leave you and your knitting friends with the highest feeling of relief, won't it? Of course it will, and it should! Also, as far as a "Ghost Princess of the Floian Triangle, Lady Peronia" goes, this is all false. Like mentioned above, I am definitely not involved with anyone romantically as it is. Therefore there is no need any longer for you or any of your best friends to worry your little heads. Captain Usopp is flying solo. This is true. Yes, I have had many ladies on the Grand line put their humble hearts on the line for me, but I have always turned them down kindly. It is just that the sea has always been my first love and being a captain of ten thousand faithful men doesn't leave a lot of room for "free time".

I hope you have been appeased,

Captain Usopp

_Dear Greatest Captain Usopp,  
Do you have a thing for any of your friends? Does anyone actually have a thing for each other as some stories suggest?_

_Yukidaru_

Yukidaru,

A "thing" for my friends, you say? Well, that is certainly unheard of! Also, what are these "stories" you speak of? Captain Usopp is stumped, needless to say the least. Though, it wouldn't surprise the great Captain Usopp that there are individuals out there who would use their time to earnestly write small bits of fiction in honor of Captain Usopp's exciting pirate adventures, and believe me, the adventures have been numerous! Let me tell you one that actually happened a few months ag- Oh! Yikes! It seems I have dodged your original question hasn't it? As far as a thing for my friends, I have none. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like they are bad or incapable people. Let's just put it this way: after you have lived on a vessel with a small group of people, you begin to see sides of them you don't want to or never imagined existed. I mean, sure, maybe Robin was pretty acceptable at first, but after running into her in the morning time, all romantic feelings that may have existed suddenly fly out the window.

Bye for now,

Captain Usopp

_Dear captain Usopp,_

I know you are the world's awesomest warrior, and uber cool, but several things have happened in the manga that made me (I cant beleive I am about to say this, but) DOUT YOUR STRENGTH!

1. Kuma was easily able to send you flying, YOU, EASLILY!

2. You had to be rescued by SOME OLD MAN from A BEETLE!

Please me explain these things to me.

From,

_Fanboy man_

Oi! Fanboy man,

You are not the first one to ask questions along these lines. First off, I am deeply honored that you have such praise for me, the great Captain Usopp. Thank you, it is greatly appreciated. Though, after spouting out all those syllables of praise, why do you still feel the need have those questions answered? Oh well, I promised I would before hand, didn't I? Yes, it did appear that Kuma was able to send me flying, but that was because I was not feeling like myself that day. Did you notice Captain Usopp seemed to be a little off that day? This is because he had a flare up of his dreadful lung disease: lungitisbigbaddisease! Also his head was hurting. And he was seeing double. And…well, you get the picture. In my greatly weakened state, anything could have happened, believe me. Rescued by some old man? I have to say, it doesn't sound vaguely familiar at all. Not one tiny bit! So don't worry you little head anymore, because Captain Usopp is still as great, fearless, and remarkable as before!

Still amazing,

Captain Usopp

_Dear Captain Usopp-sama, concerning your USOPP-O-BLASTO_

My life savings is a grand total of eight beri (I'm so proud of myself for saving that much!!). Is that enough?

Dandy Wonderous

P.S: I have to go to a wedding this month and I need an escort who is smooth, sauve, and sophisticated. So do you know if Sanji is available? Thanks!

Dandy Wonderous,

Nice to write to you again! How have you been lately? Are those ferrets still hanging around? Captain Usopp is terribly sorry if they are. Ahh…I notice that you are interested in the purchase of my USOPP-O-BLASTO™, nice that is a smart choice. You claim to have eight beri to your name? I will not lie or fill you with false hopes, but that is not nearly enough. Though if you would like, the ever giving Captain Usopp will allow you to make small payments of beri for the rest of your life, or until you have paid of the final amount of the USOPP-O-BLASTO™, interest included. Oh! Regarding Sanji and the wedding: of course! He would be more the willing to escort you. Hahah, I would have forced him to anyways, because I am the great Captain Usopp, and all of my faithful crew follows my every order. I have to warn you though, Sanji is one for the wooing of women, and so if he tends to act a bit unfaithful towards you during the wedding, I am sorry. It is to be expected. He may surprise me though and actually pull through with his newly reinstated "one woman" regime. Can't say I did not warn you though, if he doesn't.

Good luck,

Captain Usopp


	7. Usopp answers concerns 6

Hello readers! It has certainly been a long time since I graced you all with my ever-glowing presence, hasn't it? Yes, I know you are very upset with Captain Usopp once again. I grant you my deepest, sincerest apologies, faithful ones. It is just that your Captain Usopp- sama has been on the brink of death for the past few weeks. I would tell you the gory details of the disease my humble immune system has been battling, but the truth may be much too gruesome for your innocent, but ever eager eyes. All of this aside, I've come to thank you all. It is a great effort that each of you displayed while waiting for your beloved Captain Usopp to finally update. Don't get me wrong, Captain Usopp is possibly the greatest warrior of the sea, but even he needs encouragement time to time. Shocking, I know it is! Oh…there I go rambling again. Anyways, enjoy the newest set of advice that I have so humbly prepared for your eager eyes.

_Usopp,_

Babe, it's me, Perona.

Why are you bein' that way, baby? I thought we had somethin' special! I thought you said you loved me an' you never wanted no other woman! You said I was yo' beautiful undead queen! Where'd you run off to, leaving me behind a broken woman, with no big, strong pirate captain to depend on?

Baby, I know we can make this work! Gimme anotha chance!

I'll do that thing you like, you know, the thing with my elbow...?

And another thing! Who's this Machiko, or Makiko chick, calling you up all hours of the night?! I KNOW you a one woman kinda man! I know you wouldn't eave me for some old two-bit knitter that can't even garter stitch!

Look, Usu baby, whatever I did, we can fix it, can't we? Come back to me baby! We can find a nice dark island, you know, somewhere cold and damp like we always wanted? We can raise our own little horde of terrifying lap ghosts!

Please, baby, I know you want me!

~Your forever and eternity, your one and only baby-girl,  
Undead Queen of the Florian Triangle,  
Perona (Or as you like to call me, Purrona)

Hello Perona,

Wow. This sure is awkward. Perona…hahahaheheheh…ahem! It seems I have possibly upset you, doesn't it? Well, I'm sure you want an explanation for my behavior, right? Here is the honest cause of my actions:

The great Captain Usopp-sama had just awakened from his drug-induced restless slumber. Groggily, he shuffled slowly to the refrigerator encamped in his vessel's galley. As Captain Usopp slowly reached for a small bottle of orange juice, he was hit upside the head with a terrible blow from a gleaming frying pan. As heavy as the cooking object seemed to be, Captain Usopp was immediately knocked unconscious from the barbaric blow. He did not awaken for another forty-eight hours.

Now Perona, I understand if you are angry at the one who would dare to crash his cooking utensil upon Captain Usopp's sacred head. Do not blame Sanji unjustly though, he was just jealous. He has always been jealous of Captain Usopp- sama, and who could blame him, I'm just that amazing! What I'm getting at is that after I was knocked unconscious by the frying pan, Sanji mischievously logged into my computer and started answering all of my reader's questions.

Sanji has always been jealous of the ease in which Captain Usopp meets and woos fair maidens. Poor kid tries so hard to impress a young lady such as you, but then his thunder is stolen by Captain Usopp. Don't get me wrong, it is not like I try to steal Sanji's potential lady friends, it is just a natural occurrence. Like gravity or Zoro's constant napping.

You are special to me Perona, but Captain Usopp has more than enough room for the special ladies in his exciting life. If you would like, you too could sign up on the "Usopp potential wife finder dating sheet". It is basically a time table where many fair maidens of the sea can pay for a date with Captain Usopp. I have to find my future wife somehow.

Thanks for understanding,

Captain Usopp

_Dear Capitain Usopp the Great,_

I have some questions:

1. What stuff do you and the crew watch on T.V.?

2. What are your top 10 fav songs?(im doing a music meme)

3. Why is the crew called the "straw hats" when you where a bandana?

_Thanks, _

_from Cheezit_

Cheezit,

Nice to meet you! Hmm…I assume that you are doing a project of some sort, and you want to use Captain Usopp's exquisite music taste as the inspirational backdrop to your art? Don't worry, I would be flattered to answer your questions and further enhance your musical education with my amazing taste in music!

You want to know what television programs my faithful crew watches? Wow, aren't you lucky. Not only are you going to be granted a boost in your musical taste, but it seems that Captain Usopp will benevolently grant you with his mystical sense of television programming.

Anyways, Captain Usopp likes to watch crime dramas and death-defying action movies. You know, the James Bond/Bruce Lee/ Jackie Chan/ Chuck Norris- type of movie? Those genres of movies are the best in my humble and ever honest opinion.

Luffy hardly watches television. He is usually off somewhere on the ship annoying someone, or getting into some kind of trouble. Though when he behaves, Captain Usopp sometimes allows him to watch about five minutes of his T.V. When he gets the chance, Luffy likes to watch these crazy cartoons usually consisting of a talking animal of some sort and a homeless bum. Do not ask me? I don't understand him either!

Nami is a simple woman. She usually watches shows on the women's television network. The programs she views are quite redundant and overdramatic if you ask me. She calls them Soap Operas, but I don't understand. After all, there is absolutely no opera whatsoever. Or soap, for that matter. A mystery!

Zoro never really watches T.V. All he does is sleep, train, eat, drink, sleep, train…and you get the picture. Although, late one night, Captain Usopp arose from one of his nightly slumbers, and he could have sworn he witnessed Zoro watching Desperate Housewives! Shocking! I know.

Sanji is boring. His favorite television programs are consistent of cooking shows and horror movies where a woman is running from an axe murderer in a sheer dress that eventually falls off. Overdone, clichéd, and just plain ridiculous! Really, c'mon that whole "Sexy damsel wearing a sheer dress in distress" has been done so many times before.

Chopper is a genius. He agrees that crime dramas and action flicks are far superior in the movie industry. Also, when he gets the chance, Chopper likes to watch the Discovery Channel and programs consisting of blood, guts, and X-rays.

Robin never watches T.V. She is constantly trying to persuade my crew to stop said habit themselves. But they rather listen to their beloved Captain Usopp. Robin reads books, and more books, and more books. What a boring woman, right?

Franky is quite high on the intellectual scale as well. He enjoys watching crime dramas with Chopper and Captain Usopp. His only fault is that he claims action movies are "overdone". Oh well, his loss I suppose.

Brook is pretty predictable. When he is not playing his violin for Captain Usopp's pure entertainment he can be spotted watching music videos and complaining about how the younger generation has no taste in music.

Captain Usopp's musical tastes are quite eccentric. He always listens to the most amazingly, awesome tunes. I bet you are just itching to see the list of his top ten favorite songs. The list is as follows:

Captain Usopp's Top Ten Musical Gems

Alfie- Lily Allen

Anna Molly- Incubus

Apologize- Timbaland

Baby Got Back- Sir Mix A lot

Repetition Of Hatred- Dir en Grey

Pride Of The Tyrant- Rhapsody

Butterfly(from Dance Dance Reveloution)- I Love You! Project

I Told You So- Carrie Underwood

Ass Up- D.J Ten Remix

I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby- 3OH!3

The reason Captain Usopp's faithful crew is called the "Strawhat Pirate Crew" is because Captain Usopp is a master of disguise. Also, Luffy has an overwhelming sense of pride in Captain Usopp and his fellow nakama, so he requested that the crew be named "Stawhat" as a type of decoy for the valiant Captain Usopp. Obviously the sails show that Luffy is the presiding pirate captain but it is all a guise in Captain Usopp's honor. We can't have the marines capturing the amazing Captain Usopp- sama now, can we?

Sincerely,

Captain Usopp

_Dear greatest captain usopp,  
Thank you for ansering my question from earlier, although I have another for you oh wise great brave one. Earlier when you were first beginning to sail the grand line and it snowed you made a beautiful ice sculpture and claimed it the winter woman. Was it made after any lady that previously tried to grant your undying love?  
-Yukidaru_

Yukidaru,

Haha, no problem! I love answering my faithful reader's burning questions! The snow maiden that Captain Usopp conjured up with his blessed hands was truly a beautiful work of art, wasn't it? To answer your question, Yukidaru, the snow maiden was not based off of an old flame or old female acquaintance. The winter woman was Captain Usopp's own personal picture of the perfect woman. Didn't you glance upon her beautiful appearance? The curves, the hair, everything! It was all perfect. Now, I'm not sure if a woman like the snow maiden exists out in the Grand Line, but if she does, I hope she is comforted with the knowledge that Captain Usopp is humbly waiting for her love!

Until next time,

Captain Usopp


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